Protein Farts : How To Stop Them From Ruining You

A Cautionary Tale On How Protein Farts Destroy Lives

 PICTURE THIS!  You are working out in the gym and you spot the woman of your dreams!  They are in the corner of the gym curling dumbbells and looking magnificent.  You know this is your moment to shine.  You’ve practiced this approach many times in your head and you know exactly what to do.  Before heading over to introduce yourself to your soul mate, you pick up your Gorilla Atomic Blast Protein Shake to finish up the last amount.  

As you gulp down the rest of your shake and feel your throat moisten, you see that the woman of your dreams has finished their dumbbell set.  You know now is the time to approach!

You stick out your chest and look proudly ahead.  You walk over to your soul mate with supreme confidence, knowing exactly what you are going to say.

You are now right there, about 2 feet away off to the side of your one and only.  They see you out of the corner of their eye.  Upon them noticing you, you strike up the most seductive pose you can.

Noticing you, they turn their head.  Then, their eyes meet yours.  They gaze seductively into you.  It is such a powerful gaze, almost as if they are looking into your very soul itself.

In that moment, you feel as if time has frozen to a halt.  Feeling supremely confident, you open your mouth to introduce yourself when….

Out of nowhere, you let out a tremendous protein fart!  It is so powerful that the sound of it reverberates off the walls.  Whatever words you had just uttered were completely overshadowed and muted out by your protein fart blast.  You try to recover, but it now feels like a mini-Chernobyl nuclear meltdown is happening in your belly.  Before you know it, you are shooting out protein farts like 4th of July fireworks.

You are letting off one protein fart blast after the other in rapid succession.  For a brief moment, it is as if a Civil War re-enactment is happening in your gym.  The thunderous protein fart booms erupting from your posterior utterly shatter the special moment you were having with your soul mate.

You look towards them and try making up, feebly shaking them.  Unfortunately though, you cannot escape the new reality that your protein farts have created.  The seductive gaze they were formerly giving you changes into an icy stare.  Your interaction is quite similar to the one below.

In that moment, you are thinking, “How could this have happened?”  “I was SO CLOSE!”  You don’t have too much time to think though.  Just like a nuclear blast, the fallout gas particles from your protein fart detonations begin to settle.  With no gas mask for protection from the many massive protein farts, noxious gas particles are then breathed in through the nose.  The reaction from your future ex soul mate is immediate.

You try to desperately salvage this moment, but you can’t.  The damage done by the gas blast from your protein farts is too great.  Any good deed that you do to remedy the situation will be like standing in the path of an oncoming train.  As you stand there with your confidence shattered, the protein fart cloud around you congeals and becomes thicker and thicker.  The person who you dreamt of having a future with is overcome by the smell.  As you are standing there facing them in Protein Fart Ground Zero, they are overwhelmed by the smell.  As their sanity cracks, they start to scream loudly.

You try to figure out where to go, but the protein fart gas cloud is like a smoke screen.  You turn round and round, but don’t know where to go.  The woman who you approached continues to scream.  All of a sudden, the screaming stops.  Very slowly, the protein fart cloud dissipates.  As the gas cloud dissipates, you slowly begin to see the face of the woman.

Very slowly, you begin to make out the shape of their face.

BUT WAIT, SOMETHING DEFINITELY IS NOT RIGHT!

Apparently, your protein fart explosions were so powerful that they had a mutating effect on the woman you were talking to.  She was no longer human, but a zombie.  The smelliest zombie you had ever seen!

Completely scared and bewildered by what just happened, you took the only option you had left.  You ran.  You ran as fast as your legs could carry you.  You ran away, not looking back once.

Once home, you have a mental breakdown.  “SHE WAS THE ONE AND I FARTED MY ONLY CHANCE AWAY!”  Unable to contain your emotions, you scream out in agony.

You yell out , “If only, if ONLY it wasn’t for those damn Protein Farts!”

All Is Not Lost: You Can Do Things To Get Rid Of Your Protein Farts

If the above cautionary tale on protein farts applies to you, then you are in need of some intervention.  Fortunately for you, I am here to provide you with the information you need to bring your protein farts down to a lower, more acceptable number.

Now then, let’s go over some things you can do right now to cut down on those protein farts of yours!

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 Take Protein Isolates

Protein isolates are more pure versions of the protein that you take.  Protein concentrates are not as pure forms of the protein.  Because protein concentrates are less pure forms of the protein, perhaps there are certain things that have been added that your body does not agree with.

For example, let’s say you take Whey Protein and take a concentrate form.  Certain things can be in that concentrate form that could be making you bloated and gassy.  This will, ultimately, lead you blasting out protein farts.  For example, many people have a hard time breaking down the sugar lactose.  A concentrate form of protein can contain lactose in it.  An isolate form of protein, on the other hand, will contain little if any.

Knowing this, taking an isolate form of protein can perhaps be just what you need to decrease your current number of protein farts.

Change What You Take Your Protein With

Many people cannot tolerate lactose well.  When these people take anything with lactose in it, they may become severely gassy and bloated.  This will then lead to them shooting out protein farts from their posterior like they are in a Wild West Cowboy shootout.  If you cannot tolerate putting things into your body with lactose, or you are lactose intolerant, then you should limit or stay away from things that contain lactose.

So if you notice yourself becoming extremely bloated and blasting out those protein farts when taking your protein with milk, it could be the milk that is the culprit.  This could be especially true if you notice yourself becoming extremely bloated with all dairy products, such as cheese, ice cream and milk.

If this is you, you can do things such as take your protein with lactose-free milk.  If you insist on taking your protein with milk, you could perhaps try lactase supplementation.  Lactase is an enzyme that breaks down the lactose sugar.  Doing these things could very well cut down on your current amount of protein farts.

Try Not Taking Protein Supplements

You might be thinking, “O MY GAWD, THIS IS TREASON!”  But it’s true, you really do not need protein supplements.  Just think, without protein supplements, the story above would have ended much differently.  Rather than the man blasting out protein farts and ruining everything, he could have had a fairy tale ending.

Many different food items will give you the protein you need.  Things like meat, eggs and fish all contain protein in them.  Therefore, if you find yourself having volcanic protein fart eruptions after having a protein shake, you may want to get your protein elsewhere.  For example, once you get home from the gym, you can eat a couple of eggs.  Eggs are a great source of protein as you can prepare them quite fast.  Sure, that might not be as convenient as having a protein shake.  But if doing that keeps those protein farts at bay, it is worth it!

Listen To Your Body To Eliminate Protein Farts

There is no arguing with the fact that you know yourself better than anyone else.  So if there is a particular food or method that works for you, stick with it!  If what you are doing is healthy and it gets rid of your protein farts, there is no reason for you not to do it!

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